‘Only By Grace’
a series of reflections for Easter in the form of monologues by Judas Iscariot
This series of reflections take a different stance on grace than you may have experienced previously – this is grace through the eyes of Judas Iscariot. Written as a dramatic presentation, these posts during holy week 2017 are adapted from the original script. If you are joining part way through the journey, do head back to the introduction before continuing with the actual monologues.
PART 7 – CONVICTED BY GRACE
Why should I feel so heavy and cast down? Reproachful words were certain, natural, but they will change to praises and hosannas when my deed justifies itself. The messiah, compelled by his power will sit enthroned. Then his followers, clad in great rainment will be seated in golden chairs in ecstacy unspeakable. Above the temple in Jerusalem, his temple will rise his chosen priests with exalted trumpets piercing the sky. Then will the name of Judas echo from the Angels voice crying ‘behold, the one ordained of heaven to urge on the great work commencing with Christ’s kingdom on earth.’
My soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. Will I be counted among those who go down to the Pit, am I like those who have no help, like those forsaken among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more. Your wrath lies heavy upon me.
I never thought of death to him, never believed in it – I dreamed of nothing but power’s surpassing glory. Give me strength oh trees, you earth, you sky with all your mighty shades that I may leave this hideousness and follow him. Shadows snatch me away into your caverns.
I dare not think to be remembered with venomous tongues and betrayal as my epitaph but they would not take the silver back. Might there still be a place for me within the 12? To be reinstated would show grace indeed… Jews and Romans alike use informers, there’s no malice in it.
He was Lord, he was God and I killed him.
How can I make myself clean?
I deserve people’s contempt but in their darkest times of deepest shame you have not approached the remorse I feel tonight.
Will I be shuddered at and never admired, trembled for but never sympathised with?
Don’t make me out to be more of a monster than I am – I am only a man, flesh and blood like you. And was Jesus just a man? I never called him Lord, only Rabbi, I never gave him control, I always held back – maybe that is the definition of grace? The bridge that spans the gap between how we were created and what we become?